


Never Let Go

by ChessieFlack



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 15:19:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2472956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChessieFlack/pseuds/ChessieFlack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No. This could not be happening. He stared at the shoe box that was in his hands. Jim's personals. The little things. His watch, his communicator, whatever they could recover from the wreckage. He didn't want them. All he wanted was to throw them out. Burn them. Never look at them again. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of sad, but bear with it... And this is my first ever fic, so comment, (good or bad) please :)

No. This could not be happening. He stared at the shoe box that was in his hands. Jim's personals. The little things. His watch, his communicator, whatever they could recover from the wreckage. He didn't want them. All he wanted was to throw them out. Burn them. Never look at them again. But he couldn't tear his eyes away from them.  
This was all he had left of the man he loved, and Bones' hands trembled as he looked at them. They shook, violently, he almost dropped the box as he stood there. Apparently Jim had made him his next of kin, not his brother, not his mother, his grumpy doctor. His boyfriend. And Bones had never hated him more. He didn't want this. He didn't want Jim's belongings as a constant reminder of Jim, a constant reminder of the lover he had lost. The only person who had made his divorce bearable. The only person who had made him love again. The only person ho had kept him going. And he was gone. Torn from his life, like everyone else. Gone, never to come back to him. He would never see that goofy smile again, he would never see his body, feel his touch, his lips on his. He was gone. Gone. It seemed so final.  
The officer was saying something about moving the rest of his possessions out of their quarters, now Jim had passed on. Passed on, gone away, not coming home. no one had said he was dead. Not one person had said it. It felt like they couldn't say it. Bones could, his grief turned in to a world of anger. Without warning he snapped at the liaison officer.  
“He's dead dammit! Just say he's dead!” Saying it out loud did not help Bones. His knees almost buckled and the officer caught his arm. Guiding him over to the sofa. He was sat down gently, and the officer kept a gentle expression, she knew what she was doing. She had to explain what was going to happen now. When he was going back to work, when he was going to move Jim's stuff. One word radiated through her speech.  
Work. How could he work on this ship, in space, without Jim? They was no way he could continue his life as CMO of the Enterprise, without his boyfriend as the captain.  
Bones tried to concentrate on what the officer was saying, he was trying really hard, but his mind just refocused on how empty his bed would be tonight. The warm body of his best friend would never curl up beside him. His vision blurred, and for the millionth time that day, tears threatened to spill over his eyelids, but once again, he kept them at bay. Most of the crew had tried to comfort him, they had all offered a shoulder, even Spock had offered his support. But support from the pointy eared bastard just made it more painful. More real.  
His mind had wondered, and he had no idea what she had said. He nodded, and she stood up to leave.  
“Call me if you need anything, Leonard”  
Need anything. What about a living boyfriend? That would be nice. Not that he said that out loud. He couldn't. So he nodded and showed her out.  
He curled up on their bed once she had gone, curled around Jim's pillow, breathing in his beautiful smell. Bones opened his eyes, and a small black box caught his eye. That tipped him over the edge. Tears gushed down his cheeks as he looked at the ring he never got to give Jim. He had been 'waiting for the right moment'. But now that moment would never come.  
He sobbed. For the first time since he had watched Jim's comm link blink out of existence. He sobbed, and thought he would never stop.

2 Days earlier

“Be safe”  
“You worry too much, Bones. It's just a simple diplomatic mission, Delta VII is a peaceful planet.”  
“Nothing is ever 'just a simple' anything with you, or peaceful, I'm allowed to be worried, you come back in pieces too many times”  
“That's why I have a doctor to put me back together”  
“Have you ever thought your doctor doesn't want to keep putting you back together?”  
Jim laughed and kissed him softly.  
“I have to go, if you'll let me”  
“Go on, arsehole, just for once, come home without an injury?”  
Jim kissed him again and stepped onto the pad, his hair slightly tousled, and his gold shirt hugging just enough of his beautiful body to allude to what was underneath, but not give it all away.  
“Love you, Bones”  
“Love you too, Jim”  
And he was engulfed in gold light, slowly fading from view.  
And for six hours they heard nothing. That wasn't unusual, Jim often missed check ins, but that didn't make it any easier for Bones who was standing beside Spock, who was getting frustrated with Bones breathing down his neck.  
“Doctor McCoy, you are not needed on the bridge, we will inform you when the captain contacts the ship”  
Bones huffed loudly and turned to go, when a red light flashed on Uhura's dash.  
“It's the captain” her voice rang clear across the bridge, and instantly all eyes were on her, as she opened the connection.  
“Kirk to the Enterprise, do you copy?”  
“Yes captain, what is your status?” There was no hint of concern in the Vulcan's voice.  
“They didn't like me much” He tried to laugh it off, but Bones could tell he was in pain, and scared.  
“Beam me up” Spock relayed the order instantly, but a think Scottish accent replied, making Bones' heart sink.  
“I cannae do i' sir, the transpor'ers have been disabled. I cannae get through”  
“Captain, we are unable to beam you up, is there another mode of transport which you can use?”  
There was a pause, and the sound of Jim's heavy breathing came over the comm.  
“Yeah there's a shuttle, I can use that” a mix of panic and relief filled the usually calm voice. A soft clunk said he'd but the communicator down, but hadn't ended the call.  
The engines started, and Bones felt a surge of relief as the shuttle took off.  
“They've seen me, they're firing!” Bones gripped the back of Spock's chair so tightly his knuckles had turned white.  
Jim's voice went dead, and all that could be heard was his breathing, and the sound of phaser fire. Bones was white with worry, trying to convince himself that Jim always came home safe, and there was nothing to worry about.  
“I'm hit!”  
Bones felt his knees go weak.  
“I'm going down!”  
“No! Jim, don't you dare!” Bones found his voice suddenly, and yelled at his boyfriend.  
“I'm sorry, Baby, I-”  
Silence.  
The comm went dead, and the bridge held its breath. No one could believe it. The ship was down. Jim couldn't have got out of that alive. Their captain was gone.  
Bones froze. He stared at the view screen, as if he expected to see a little white dot slowly grow and materialise into a shuttle with his lover on board. For twenty minutes the bridge remain that way. Even Spock didn't try and get his crew back to work. But stayed silent, allowing time for them, and for him to regain control.  
The situation only worsened when they got a emotionless message from the planet.  
“We regret to inform you that the shuttle your captain stole has been destroyed, we have searched the wreckage, and there were no survivors. The personal belongings of your captain will be sent to you in due time.”  
And they were. A day they waited, and the crew handed them straight over Bones, who reluctantly took them.

 

He was lying on his bed, feeling the Enterprise move beneath him, returning to Earth, for Jim's funeral, when his PADD buzzed. It played a different tone to what it usually played. Jo was calling. This would not be easy. He picked it up and looked at her. His eyes hollow, and read from crying.  
“Daddy? What's wrong?”  
“J-Jim... D-dead” his voice broke, unable to form coherent words.  
Jo's eight year old face froze.  
“No, no no no no no” she cried, “Don't lie! Daddy, that is a horrible thing to say!”  
But watching her father fall apart and sob, there was no doubt in the young girl's mind. Her father's closest friend, the man she looked up to, more than anyone else, was never coming home.  
Neither father or daughter said another word, they both cried, without the comfort of touch, for what felt like hours. Jo curled up around her PADD and fell asleep, with her father, both falling into welcome slumber together. For a short escape of the pain they would haunt them forever.

Two weeks later.

It never got easier. Waking up to an empty bed. Jim's smell had gradually faded, and the apartment they had shared on Earth, had got progressively harder to go home to. Bones was staying out later, getting drunker, and spending most nights in hospital, getting his stomach pumped. Every morning they sent him home with the same warning.  
“You can't keep doing this, Doctor, you know it will kill you, you have a daughter to go home to.”  
Joanna, the only thing that stopped Leo from drinking until he vomited his own guts, and died in a back alley, all alone. The only thing which kept him going. And he knew it wasn't going to get easy. There were three stages of grief for everyone. Sometimes they came in different ways. For Bones, it was, drunk, very drunk, and paralytic. And he got through all three everyday.  
He was on leave from Starfleet, and had no intention of going back. Expect today. Everything was different today. Today he was sober, and dressed in his Starfleet dress uniform, and going to Starfleet Head Quarters.  
Because today, was Jim's funeral.  
Every step was hard, his feet got heavier, the closer he got the more he wished he'd stayed at home. Drowned in alcohol again. Because he wasn't sure if he could cope with it.

He sat next to Jo, and an empty seat. Commander Spock was standing, giving a speech, about Jim's loyalty to Starfleet. Bones looked at the speech in his hand. It was almost the same, it wasn't personalised, it had been written for him. He couldn't bear to write a speech himself. But now he regretted it. But there was nothing he could about it. Spock finished with a round of applause from the fifty thousand people. Fifty thousand people. They had come from all over the world. San Franciso was closed so the procession could go through the streets. Because Jim had saved the world, twice. Everyone wanted to say their thanks to him. And Bones hated everyone of them. They didn't know him, what right did they have to watch his funeral? They hadn't loved him, listening to his dying words. They had no idea.  
Spock was sat beside him again, looking at him, waiting for him to do his speech. Bones looked at the empty podium, and shakily made his way forward. He put the messy piece of paper on the stand before him, trying to stop his hands from shaking. Looking at the speech, his heart sank. The words stubbornly danced around the page, refusing to let him read them. Fifty thousand people in front of him, and the millions, probably billions watching from home, waited from him to speak.  
“Jim was not ordinary.” Bones cursed himself for how pathetic he sounded. He stopped trying, and just spoke. “I had a speech written for me today, but I can't read it. Because it's not what I believe. Jim was an excellent captain, and a friend to his crew, but you know that.  
“I loved him. But not because he was a good diplomat, or because he knew every battle strategy there was, but because he was Jim. He didn't let anything stop him. There will never be a day where I won't miss the goofy smile, or that stupid promised he'd make before he'd beam down. 'don't worry, I'll be fine'. I can count the number of times he was actually fine, on one hand.” Bones knew he was sounding sappy, and thought desperately what to say next, when he felt a tiny hand slip into his, and Jo looked up at him.  
Tears splashed onto his speech when they made eye contact. Bones continued, as best he could.  
“Jim was my only friend. And every time I watched him beam up, ready with my medikit, I would be torn between wanting to slap him, and wanting to kiss him. He'd assure me he was fine, and swagger out of medbay, before he was well enough, and glued himself to the god damn chair. Everyone has said that's where he belonged. In that big chair, which just bled authority. Bullshit.” There was a murmur through the audience as he swore, but he continued.  
“That chair belonged to him, he didn't belong to it. He belonged at home. Safe, where I knew he wasn't going to be shot at. Not that he was ever there.  
“Jim has saved everyone of your lives. He's saved mine too. More times than I can remember. He was so good at saving other people's lives, why couldn't he save his own?” Bones' broke down and his next few words were broken.  
“J-just this once... H-he couldn't s-save h-himself” Jo squeezed his hand gently, and looked at him.  
“Can I say something, Daddy?” her voice was picked up by the microphone, and the audience all muttered about how cute she was. Bones nodded, but stayed beside her  
“Jim Kirk was the bestest captain in Starfleet. Sorry other captains; but he was better than you. He was also the bestest dad. Apart from Daddy... None of you knew Uncle Jim like I did. I was special to him, and he was special to me. You all came because he saved you on accident. He saved my daddy on purpose. He made him smile again, he made him laugh. Uncle Jim was the only person who could do that. Now he's gone Daddy doesn't smile anymore. That makes me sad. When I lost Uncle Jim, I lost my daddy too... I might not get my daddy back.  
“You will all go home, and be happy again. Daddy won't be. I won't be. Because Uncle Jim made us smile. Now we have nothing to smile about.” Jo was crying as she spoke.  
“so, Uncle Jim... If you can hear me, lots of people can, so maybe you can too... We love you, and we want you to come home. Being dead is mean, because it makes us sad. You said you loved us, and when you love people, you don't make them sad, you make them happy. So come home. Please... Make Daddy happy again.” she stepped away from the stand and collapsed into her father's arms and sobbed, uncontrollably.  
They were gently led away, to stand to the side, so the speeches could continue.  
Each member of the bridge crew stood up, in turn, and delivered their speeches. Every one of them cried. Sam, Jim's brother spoke, and cried, drawing parallels between him and his father, making his mother cry so much, she didn't give a speech, she just said thank you to the crowds for caring.  
They were all shepherded into cars, and driven to the site where they were burying Jim's empty coffin. They stood, and the bridge crew, excluding Bones, folded the Starfleet flag. They didn't give it to Sam, of Winnoa. They gave it to Jo, who was the person Jim had chosen in his will, to have that right. She held onto it, like it was the only thing keeping her in the world. She never stopped crying, but never once made a sound.  
Father and daughter trudged through the rain, which, of course, had started just as the first handful of dirt was thrown on Jim's coffin. They curled up together that night, Bones stayed sober as he lay in his daughter's bed, Jim's flag still in her clutches as she snuggled up to him. It was the first night in sixteen days, which Bones had slept through its entirety, and woken up sober.

Eighteen months later.

Bones was getting better, sort of.  
He was spending less time drunk, but he still wasn't sleeping properly, and he still was refusing to return to Starfleet, even if he didn't have to go into space. And he still hadn't smiled since he'd said goodbye to Jim, all those months ago.  
He was curled up with Jo, watching one of her favourite films, when he got the call.  
Starfleet.  
They hadn't called him for over a month, Bones had thought they had finally left him alone. He sighed and disentangled himself from his daughter, and picked up his PADD, to be greeted by his old commander.  
“Hello, Spock” Bones' voice radiated pain and grief.  
“Hello, Doctor. We have received intelligence that a ship from Delta VII is requesting permission to land, we believe that you may be interested to speak with the race which are responsible for the captain's death.”  
Bones stared at him. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to meet the people who had killed the man he loved. He wanted to, but where would that get him? He was finally sobering up, finally being a good dad to Jo again.  
“Doctor? Has the connection failed?”  
“N-No, Spock... I'm still here. I'll come now”  
“Very well, Doctor, I will see you in approximately fourteen minutes and twenty seven seconds”  
Bones put on his coat and got there fifteen minutes and thirty two seconds later, his daughter in his arms.  
He stood with the rest of the bridge crew, all of whom seemed very subdued, as if, like Bones, they weren't entirely sure why they wanted to come. But they all had.  
A large shuttle came into view, obviously alien, and obviously large enough to travel at warp speed, this ship had come from Delta VII. A unified breath was held by the former bridge crew of the Enterprise, as the door opened. A walkway extended until it hit the ground with a soft thunk.  
Out stepped a tall, slim humanoid female. Her nose was a single, diagonal slit, and her eyes were hard diamond shapes. Giving her a ruthless, barbaric look. Bones hated her instantly. She locked eye contact with him, and his small daughter's hand in his, was the only thing stopping him from punching her in the face.  
“We have a prisoner. In accordance to our laws, if an off world prisoner is not sold in one of our years, they are to be returned to their home planet, to be punished as they see fit, but they remain exiled from our planet.” Her voice was cold, emotionless, it could easily have been her who told them Jim wasn't coming home.  
She gestured behind her, and dressed in a grey smock, head hanging, was her prisoner. He looked as if he hadn't washed since he had been taken. He was followed by a smartly dressed guard.  
“I apologise for his state, we do not value our prisoners as you do yours.”  
He was pushed forward by the guard, in his weakened state, the prisoner fell, face first at Bones' feet. Jo jumped back and hid behind her father, and the prisoner looked up, his face covered in grime and dirty, he was barely recognisable as human. But when his eyes opened, Bones' heart stopped. Piercing blue eyes looked at him.  
His knees almost buckled, he knew those eyes anywhere.  
“J-Jim”  
The bridge crew stared at him, assuming he had gone mad. Jim was dead. But Bones ignored them. He fell to his knees and pulled the weak man into his arms, sobbing. Jo stared at them, unable to believe it was really him.  
Jim was crying too, the tears cleaning away months of grime from his face, revealing pale, weak skin beneath. A medical team ran over, trying to take Jim into hospital, but he refused to let go of Bones. So, in the end the let Bones carry him, cradle him, into the hospital. They left them to it. Jo never left their side, except when they went to shower, then she waited in Jim's private room, still staying silent as Bones showered the grime off Jim, revealing a frail, shell, with each bone visible. But the smile on their faces was unparalleled. Once they had got over the shock of finding each other, both men had grins permanently attached to their faces.  
There were layers of mud which covered Jim, it took Bones almost two hours to get him completely clean. Jim stood completely naked, and Bones stood in his clothes, showering him, not caring how many times he got splashed. As soon as Jim's face was clear, he launched himself at his boyfriend, kissing him with more need, more desire, than he ever had before, and Bones responded in kind, kissing him deeply, and passionately. Bones' hand ran over his back, and he felt harsh scars, and when he studied them, they looked like torture marks, he'd ask later, now was a time for celebration. Not reminiscing on past torture.  
“You have no idea how much I missed you, Bones”  
“What? I thought you were dead, Jim”  
“You and Jo were the only things which kept me going... The slim possibility that I might see you again”  
“Jo was the only thing which kept me going”  
Jim nodded, feeling tears rise again, he kissed Bones, his lips being the only thing that really reminded him he was home. He was safe.  
Finally, they emerged, Bones was wet, and Jim was clean, but still weak, dressed in a loose hospital gown. Jim climbed into the bed, as Bones connected him to drips to feed him, so he could take in nutrients and start regaining weight. Jo curled up on one side, and Bones on the other. They held him tightly, and Bones never once stopped touching his skin.  
There was a knock as the door and Jim's weak voice called for them to enter, as Bones passed him a glass of cold water, which he sipped at the bridge crew of the Enterprise filed in. They all threw themselves at Jim, hugging him tightly, Nyota and Pavel cried when Jim laughed, overwhelmed that they could hear that sound again.  
“I missed you all... So so much...”  
“We heve meessed you too, keptin” Chekov's Russian accent was still as prominent as ever as he hugged Sulu, who kissed his cheek gently, to stop him from crying again.  
“Captain, we were informed there were no survivors of the shuttle crash. Do you know why they lied to us?”  
Bones rolled his eyes. Trust Spock to revert back to business instantly. Usually he would complain, but for the first time in a year and a half he had his boyfriend back in his arms, he wasn't going to complain about anything. Well, not for at least an hour.  
“I survived the crash, god knows how, but I did... I tried to get away, but I hadn't exactly got out of it unharmed-”  
“You don't get out of anything unharmed”  
“Three hours, I've been back three hours and you're complaining” Jim was grinning at him, and Bones grinned and kissed him quickly, before Spock cleared his throat, for Jim to return to the story.  
“I crawled about a mile before they found me. They put me in some kind of cave... Every week, me and the other prisoners got paraded around, and they were sold...” Jim's voice had lost its previous cheer, and he was tensing in Bones' arms.  
“I knew life in the prison was awful, but I didn't know what I was being sold into... So I decided to make myself unsellable. When someone came near, I'd spit at them, or shout... It got me whipped... But it meant I could come home”  
Bones kissed his cheek, trying to reassure him, and Jim relaxed slightly. Spock stopped questioning it, after looks from the rest of the bridge crew, he knew it was the right thing to do.

Days, weeks went by, Bones signed back up for Starfleet, ready to return to the stars with his boyfriend. And his time Jo was coming too. Jim had come home, and was almost completely back to health. Physically. Mentally wasn't quite as fast.  
They curled up in bed every night, and Bones would kiss him softly and whisper that everything was going to be okay.  
Bones would fall asleep just after his boyfriend. And after a few hours, Bones would be woken.  
“B-baby?”  
And Bones was awake instantly, he didn't need to more than whisper and Bones would be holding him tightly and whispering gently in his ear.  
“Shh, Baby, it's okay, I'm here”  
Jim sobbed into his shoulder, remembering the torture that had been inflicted on him. Bones was the only one who could keep him calm, and get him back to sleep, kissing him softly, and relaxing him.  
“Th-thank you, Baby”  
And they would slowly fall asleep, both knowing Jim would wake up again in a few hours. And Bones would be there to comfort him again.  
One night, Jo came in.  
“I heard you... Thought you were sad”  
“Bad things happened, JoJo, sometimes I get sad.”  
“Shouldn't be sad... Can I make you happy?”  
“You already make me happy, you and your Daddy” she smiled  
“Daddy didn't smile when you were gone”  
“I watched your speech” Jim hadn't mentioned the funeral, or the fact that his flag was on Jo's chest of drawers (where is was going to stay), before. But it made Jo smile.  
“Thank you for making my Daddy smile again”  
The three of them had never grinned more in their lives. 

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Told you, get to the end, it's far less sad :)Yeah, I'm a sucker for happy endings, so it had to end happily


End file.
